Adam Baum   09/10/2015   Comments

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Driving Miss Crazy

Adam Baum   07/10/2015   Comments

I first got my driver’s license as a teenager. It was less about “coming of age” and more about freedom of movement. For the first time I was not dependent upon others to go to another place. I was free to go wherever I wished, whenever I wished. The first year I had my driver’s license, I travelled from New Jersey to North Carolina, South Carolina, upstate New York, and various other places. Within several years, I had driven to Texas, Colorado, Florida, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, California, and even more places.

Today, I hate fucking driving. Just going to Target is a chore. One reason is the fact that you must remain sober to drive. This means that any drink leaves you stranded. The United States public transportation is deplorable. If you don’t live in a major metropolitan area, there may be buses. Buses outside of major cities mean 4 or 5 hours to go somewhere that takes 35 minutes driving. But even more frustrating is the other drivers. The way people drive is just infuriating. I decided to compile a list of all the fucking things you people do that sends other drivers into fits of rage.


The biggest problem with a list like this is where to start. I spend a majority of my time driving with my hands up in the air shouting, “WHAT THE FUCK?” I think the first place to start is by pointing out that IT IS NOT A FUCKING RACE! Why are you trying to beat me? We aren’t even going to the same fucking place. I know this because if we were going to the same destination, we could fucking car pool and I wouldn’t have to drive (or be sober). If we aren’t going to the same destination, how can you get there before me?

I say this because I set my cruise control. I don’t want to fucking drive in the first place. I get on the highway and set my cruise control, put on my Pandora, and just want to sing along to Shwayze and drink my coffee and arrive at my destination alive and unharmed. Yet, every single fucking time, there is a car that I have to pass. That’s fine. But don’t fucking speed up when I attempt to pass you. Every fucking time I drive this happens. I know you were going slower than me, because I had my fucking cruise control on. If I have to brake or switch lanes to avoid hitting you from behind, it means you were going slower than I was going. And then, when I’m passing you, if I don’t pass you – it means you fucking sped up. Just let me fucking pass you. I just want to go where I’m going. I really don’t give a shit where you are going or how fast you get there. If you want to pass me after I pass you, feel free. I could really not give any less fucks than I already give.

There’s one caveat to this. If I pass you and then you pass me, don’t fucking slow down! I passed you because I didn’t want to rear end you. You dumb fucks make me turn off my cruise control and fuck my whole groove up and I just want to get where I’m going. Why do you do this to me? Every single fucking time, this happens, too.


At night, some people don’t seem to realize how to use their high beams. Do you realize that when I am driving my car, there are three mirrors all angled to direct the light from behind me into my eyes. When you come up behind me with your high beams on, all three mirrors are reflecting your fucking high beams into my eyes. Thanks a lot, asshole. You can see better and I’m fucking blind. You just blinded someone driving a projectile barreling down the freeway at 70 miles per hour. That’s brilliant.

And then, there’s the people that flash their high beams at you when you are going slower than they are going. If there are cars in front of me, what does this accomplish? You want me to go over the cars in front of me? You think I didn’t see you behind me? Like you flash your high beams and I say, “oh, didn’t see you there. Let me just get off the road and let you go, because you are obviously in more of a hurry than I am.” It doesn’t work that way, dickhole. Flashing your highbeams behind me just signals to me that you are a cunt. (When you do this, the person in front of you says, “well, fuck you, cunt.”)


This is fucking infuriating.
“Left lane ends in 1/2 mile.”

Like I said, it’s not a race. The way merging lanes works is a bit like a zipper. At the end of the lane ending, each car in the lane not ending is supposed to let one car in the lane ending over. It never works this way. Everyone has to get in front of everyone else. The cars in the non-ending lane try to leave less than 8 inches between their front bumper and the rear bumper in front of them, so that no one could possibly get in front of them.

A lot of people say, “You should have merged back when it said, ‘Lane ends.'” No. That’s not how it fucking works. And because math, you fucking twat. It’s amazing how people can claim moral authority just by driving. This sanctimonious bullshit is even worse because it’s self-defeating. I’m going to make some diagrams to go with this explanation. But I’m going to explain why you don’t merge before your lane ends.

carsIn a hypothetical situation, the sign says, “Right lane ends 1/2 mile.” The next sign says, “Right lane ends 500 feet.” Then, the right lane ends 500 feet later.

What happens when you merge into the left lane at the first sign? Let’s think about this. Car A moves into the left lane in front of Car 1. Then the next sign says 500 feet. Car B goes in front of Car A and Car C goes in front of Car 1. Then when the lane ends, Car D goes in front of Car B, Car E goes in front of Car A, Car F goes in front of Car C, and Car G goes in front of Car 1. Because of people merging early, 7 cars have gone in front of Car 1. If we all fucking waited until the lane ended and cars have to merge, only one car would be going in front of Car 1. Thanks to your fucking sanctimony, you have let 7 cars in front of you instead of 1, you dumb fucking turd. But it’s ok, because you have the moral high ground of knowing that you merged long before you even saw the signs.


pQMgkBt.jpgLook. I’m colorblind. I don’t see any colors at all. Don’t ask what it’s like, I have no fucking clue. You are born with this condition and it’s just how everything has always looked. It’s like asking someone on earth what it’s like to live on fucking Mars. I don’t know. But I don’t see colors. My optometrist said so. They do this professionally, I just take their word for it.

But even being colorblind, I know the basic fucking principles of: Green – Go, Yellow – Caution, Red – Stop. It’s not fucking psychics. Yet, this simple concept is just impossible for some people. Green means, “stop and look around, because fuck the people behind you.” Yellow means, “slow down to a crawl and then gun it so no one else can make the light.” Red means, “Get ready to go as soon as the light changes like you are in the pole position of the Indy 5000.”

Every single fucking day, at least once, I am sitting at a green light with my arms in the air, screaming, “WHY ARE WE NOT MOVING?!?!” I never get an answer. It’s just the phantom stop.


e39Unless you are driving a tractor trailer, your turn radius is not so wide that you have to move to the left to make a right turn. Just turn right. Why do you people continually do this? Did you used to drive a tractor trailer and it’s just a habit? I doubt it. Still, it never fails. You dumb fucks continue to move to the left to make a right turn. I do believe many of you do it so that you can successfully make the turn and not purposefully do it because you want to make sure no one can get past you until after you have turned – but that’s the end result, you inconsiderate fuck. Just turn right or left. You are driving a car.


sign-161170_640Believe it or not, engineers get paid thousands of dollars to develop highways. Part of what they do when designing these highways is making sure you don’t have to be a top level stunt driver to avoid flying off the highway when it curves. Really. They make sure your car can handle these turns at 55, 65, or even 80 miles per hour. If the curve is too steep to make at that speed, there’s typically a sign that is yellow and basically says, “caution, slow down so you don’t fly off the fucking road you dumb fucking idiot.” If you don’t see that sign, you are cool to maintain your speed. Otherwise, you end up fucking things up for everyone – as the person behind you probably has on their cruise control and when you slow down, they have to move into the passing lane, or turn off their cruise control to avoid hitting you. Then when the curve ends, you speed up and they can’t pass you. Why? Why do you do this? Why are you afraid of a curve in the road? Do you think you are going so fast that when you follow the curve in the road you are going to fly off the road and spin out of control into space – drifting forever into the abyss? You won’t. A worst case scenario is that you are just a bad driver and you are going to fly off the road into a tree, post, or cow and kill yourself. Too fucking bad.


If you feel that you cannot drive at high, legal speeds; if you feel you cannot drive safely at night; if you feel afraid to drive doing whatever – here’s a fucking suggestion: Don’t do it. Stay off the fucking road. There are exceptions to this. If you have a pregnant woman giving birth, someone who is dying of a medical emergency, are being held hostage, or some pressing concern – you are forgiven. Otherwise, find another way. Just don’t drive. If it’s not an emergency, then fuck your inability to drive. At least pull over and let others get past you. It may not be a race, but it doesn’t mean we want to be late or spend 3 hours to get somewhere 45 minutes away. Just get out the fucking way. Move, Bitch.

move_bitch_get_out_the_way_bitch_get_out_the_way__by_shutterf1y-d5i3ni5This also goes for sightseers. We saw a lot of them in Philadelphia preparing for the visit for the Pope. I get it, you want to take a picture of the tall buildings they don’t have in the bumfuck farm village you come from. They are impressive. That’s nice. You want to show your idiot friends and family what the city folks live with every day. That’s fine. Take all the pictures you want. But not in the middle of a major city road where people have places to be and things to do. You are being a fucking tourist but others have to live in that shithole and just want to get to where they are going as safely and quickly as possible. Some of us don’t like driving and want it to be over as fast as possible. And some of us really have to fucking pee.

This is also why you don’t slam on your brakes for a yellow light. Congrats, you managed to make me stop at a yellow light and now my pants are soaked with piss. Thanks a fucking lot, you inconsiderate fuck.


This really goes for the tourists and such. No one gets a speeding ticket in a major city on a major road for going a few miles over the speed limit. I know in Mayberry it’s important to obey the traffic laws at all times. When you are on a road that averages 5 thousand cars a minute, nobody is really worried about if they are doing 35 or 40 miles per hour. Especially because you are just going to have to stop again soon because some fucking tourist is going to stop at a yellow light.

The reason we get pissed at this is because there are between 30 and 200 traffic lights between now and our destination and we want to make as many lights as possible, especially if we have to pee. When you use caution through every intersection, the odds of making these lights is slim to none. And the chance of making it to a restroom to piss is almost non-existent.

It’s ok that you get lost and don’t know where you are going. It’s confusing. I get that. Especially when you live in a town that only has three intersections and you get to a major intersection in a major city. If you get lost, pull the fuck over. Let everyone else do what they have to do. Get your bearings and then go where you are going.

If you are approaching an intersection and don’t have a stop sign, you don’t have to stop. It’s fine to use caution, because we all know you can’t trust these dumb fucks driving around here, but don’t fucking stop. Especially if there’s no cars coming from other directions.


Nothing confounds the American driver more than a four way stop, except maybe a roundabout. The four way stop becomes the Mexican standoff in a Tarantino film. Everyone is stopped, looking at everyone else, thinking “do I go? If I go and they go, we will hit each other. I am just going to go, no wait, I’ll let them go, no I’ll go.” Just fucking go.

mexican-standoffLegally, this is how it works: The car that stopped first gets to go first, then the car to their left goes next. Then it goes like a circle, where each car to the left proceeds.

In practice, this is how it works: The person with the most confidence goes and then someone gets mad at them because they believe they stopped first and they go too and everyone is trying to go at the same time and if you are really lucky, two of them crash and now we all have to stop and wait because you two fucking idiots couldn’t figure out a four way stop and just had an accident in the middle of the intersection. Great job. I still want to just get where I’m going and really don’t care about you two dumb fucks that just crashed because a four way stop confounds you or injures your pride at being the first to get where you are going (even though no one else is fucking going there).


If you are on your phone doing whatever and not paying attention: Fuck you.


15-Faded-signs-585x354This is a huge problem in New Jersey. Some of us are not familiar with every exit, intersection, and street of every place. On the highways in New Jersey, many of the signs are missing significant letters or are just unreadable and unlit. “Is that my fucking exit?” Who fucking knows? Just pick one and hope it’s the right one. “Is this the right street?” Who cares. Just go down it and then knock on some stranger’s door. People in New Jersey love strangers visiting them.

On the topic of signs: A few weeks ago, I was about 100 feet from my exit and there were cones on the right lane. As I approached my exit, it said, “EXIT CLOSED.” Thanks for the fucking heads up. I could have taken an earlier exit and only lost a few minutes from my drive time. Now I have to go down to the next exit, on a street with a murder rate comparable to the Rwanda during their civil war. That’s a lot of fun.

As if the other drivers weren’t bad enough, now the state wants to fuck with you, too. Thanks a fucking lot.

The whole process of driving here is enough to make one want to drink. The problem is that if you do drink, you can no longer drive (legally). So that’s not a way to deal with this shit.

At the end of the day, I hope we all take away one thing here: IT’S NOT A FUCKING RACE.

and if you are going to the same place I am going, can I just get a ride?